The search

Dear City dwellers,

I went for a walk this afternoon in central park, and listening to the conversations of those around me while simultaneously envying the determination of the central park runners, I realized that in my own world at least, it seems as though people are always searching or working toward the next goal. In fact, it seems weird to me that not everyone is like that, that some people are just happy to see the sun rise and set each day. Lately I've gone too far in that I've started to feel an uneasiness thinking of those who don't have long term goals, those that live each moment and don't try for anything more. Why has this happened? Has my NY ego finally got the best of me? I thought for the longest time that I was down to earth, level headed and sure that I would bring that into other peoples lives. Now, the world seems much more complicated. It seems as though while trying to maintain a sense of pride while making new friends in new places, it's hard to remain "real" when you feel the urge, the addiction almost, to impress. One wants to feel legitimate around others by projecting at least a certain sense of class themselves. However, the tricky part is when this ego tilting behavior slides into judgment when you're around others who don't feel the need to impress, who live day to day and don't worry about tomorrow. It's easy then to become jealous of that "live for the moment" attitude altogether, when you realize how liberalizing and free it must feel to stop caring. But, you can't get yourself to cross that thresh hold. You feel like you can never go back to that time in your life when you lived in the moment. It's almost as if you've been chemically altered and now you cannot change back to your original DNA. A plastic surgery makeover, and you can't undue the sculptor's damage. Although there are some things I can do. We do have some control if we want it. I can work on continuing to form relationship that are close to my heart, that bring pure joy to my life, and that are thus healthy and real. I can keep doing the things that bring joy to my life. I can remember to say hello and to smile at others randomly on the street, to skip once in a while and not care whether or not anybody is watching and to jam out to my music in my pajamas. So when I do feel the urge to sip the snob appeal, I can make up for it by offering a cookie to someone in need or a shoulder to cry on for a friend or perfect stranger who needs a helping hand. -The Know It All New Yorker-